Monday, 25 May 2009

Brain meltdown

I've been going through a bit of a brain-rewiring session the last few days... it's been very difficult but I think I'm gradually coming out of the other side. The combination of social anthropology and an atheist's arguments brought me completely out of my Christian bubble, and I've spent the weekend deeply questioning my beliefs, looking at them as objectively as I can, facing wave after wave of doubt. Amazingly, while I haven't come to 100% solid conclusions about some things, I am still a Christian. Christianity is intellectually viable, and I'm not mystified or deluded. I can't really convey how big a struggle this has been, how completely and totally I was shaken and how bizarre it is to not come out as an atheist... I feel like I've been turned inside out and upside down, and now I need to rethink everything I took for granted, which in some ways is a fantastic opportunity. However, in stepping back to see what I believed, I also saw myself, and I didn't like it. I've been judgmental and proud, and very arrogant to think I had all the answers. I'm sorry. I've removed one such arrogant post from this blog. It is very odd now to feel like I have so much more perspective, and yet I am still as ever embarrassed that I can condemn my own introspection in such an introspective piece of writing...!

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